CHARACTERS
Mabel (F) – 309 Lines
Mabel is the self-appointed brains of the duo — a pompous dreamer overflowing with false confidence, manic energy, and theatrical authority. She believes she is cultured, clever, and always in control, even as her plans collapse spectacularly around her. Her bravado masks deep insecurity, fear of ageing, and a desperate need to feel important. Emotionally volatile and wildly imaginative, she swings between commanding tyrant and fragile victim in seconds. Her love-hate relationship with Alice is fierce, co-dependent, and combustible. On stage, Mabel should feel like controlled chaos: expressive, physical, fearless, and irresistibly ridiculous — a woman clinging to dignity while sprinting headfirst into disaster.

Alice (F) – 282 Lines
Alice is the blunt, brutish counterweight to Mabel’s inflated ego — cynical, aggressive, and proudly unapologetic. Where Mabel dreams, Alice smashes; where Mabel plans, Alice acts, usually with violence. She is practical only in the most destructive sense, believing every problem can be solved with force, booze, or stubborn denial. Beneath her tough exterior is a deeply loyal sister who would never abandon Mabel, even while constantly threatening to kill her. Alice hides her fear of failure and poverty behind cruelty, sarcasm, and reckless bravado. On stage she should feel dangerous, unpredictable, and brutally funny — a walking disaster with a soft heart she refuses to admit exists.

Arthur (M) – 65 Lines
Arthur is a hapless, awkward romantic driven almost entirely by lust and misplaced confidence. He believes himself to be charming, desirable, and worldly, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Constantly chasing affection and approval, he stumbles into situations with earnest enthusiasm and exits them with embarrassment. Arthur means well, but his poor judgment, emotional clumsiness, and inability to read a room usually make everything worse. Beneath his lecherous bravado is a lonely man desperate to feel wanted. On stage, Arthur should be played with warmth, vulnerability, and comic sincerity — a walking contradiction who is more pitiful than predatory, and far funnier for it.

Lou (M) – 58 Lines
Lou is an eccentric, cheerfully oblivious oddball whose mind is permanently distracted by legs of lamb, horse racing, and whatever strange thought wanders in next. He is gentle, slow to grasp reality, and completely sincere in his nonsense, often derailing conversations with lines that make perfect sense only to him. Lou is not stupid — just wonderfully disconnected from urgency, danger, and social awareness. His optimism is unshakeable, his timing is accidental, and his loyalty to the group is genuine. On stage, Lou should feel harmless, endearing, and unpredictably funny — a walking non sequitur who provides calm absurdity in the middle of chaos.

Dorothy (F) – 78 Lines
Dorothy is bold, bossy, sharp-tongued, and gloriously unapologetic. She is sexually confident, socially fearless, and always ready with a cutting remark or a scandalous suggestion. Dorothy enjoys control, enjoys attention, and enjoys pushing buttons — especially when it makes others uncomfortable. Beneath her bravado is a woman who refuses to be invisible or polite in her later years, choosing instead to live loudly, crudely, and honestly. She brings fire, pace, and mischief into every scene, acting as both instigator and commentator. On stage, Dorothy should feel fearless, flirtatious, and deliciously dangerous — the kind of woman who knows exactly who she is and has no intention of apologising for it.

Lillian (F) – 5 Lines
Lillian is an overly theatrical, emotionally expressive drama queen who communicates more with her body than her voice. Prone to exaggerated miming, gagging, and melodramatic reactions, she turns every moment into a performance, whether invited or not. Lillian thrives on attention and expression, using physical comedy as both her shield and her language. Beneath the flamboyance is a sensitive soul who desperately wants to be understood and included. Her silence is never quiet — it is loud, chaotic, and beautifully ridiculous. On stage, Lillian should feel like pure physical comedy: elastic, expressive, unpredictable, and endlessly entertaining.

Dirty Dave (M) – 51 Lines
Dirty Dave is a menacing, street-wise debt collector who walks the razor line between genuine threat and accidental clown. He enjoys his own power, savours intimidation, and treats violence as casually as conversation — yet somehow remains oddly likeable. Dave believes he is a professional, a philosopher, and a public servant all at once, often breaking the fourth wall to justify his behaviour with warped logic and misplaced pride. Beneath the tough exterior is a man who desperately wants to be respected, admired, and taken seriously. On stage, Dirty Dave should feel dangerous but ridiculous — a swaggering bully whose charm and absurd self-importance make him as entertaining as he is terrifying.

Constable Bob (M) – 30 Lines
Constable Bob is a well-meaning, painfully earnest police officer whose authority is far greater in his own mind than in reality. He takes his role very seriously, even when no one else does, approaching situations with misplaced confidence, rigid procedure, and an almost childlike belief in justice. Bob is not corrupt, clever, or intimidating — just determined to be helpful, often with unintentionally disastrous results. Beneath the uniform is a man desperate to be respected and included. On stage, Constable Bob should feel sincere, awkward, and gently comic — a symbol of order trying valiantly, and hopelessly, to survive in complete chaos.

Richard (M) – 40 Lines
Richard is a smooth-talking swindler who weaponises charm as efficiently as any knife. Slick, slimy, and endlessly confident, he thrives on deception, seduction, and self-interest, drifting through life leaving broken hearts and lighter wallets behind him. He believes every lie he tells in the moment, adapting his personality to whoever is standing in front of him. Beneath the polished exterior is a hollow opportunist terrified of being exposed as ordinary. Richard is not a villain in his own story — he is its misunderstood hero. On stage, he should feel dangerously charismatic, effortlessly dishonest, and irresistibly entertaining.

Announcer (M/F) – 1 Line
The Announcer is a confident, fast-talking broadcaster who delivers chaos with cheerful professionalism and absolute sincerity. They treat absurd events with the same dramatic gravitas as world-changing news, completely unaware of how ridiculous their commentary sounds. Their voice, rhythm, and commitment elevate the nonsense into epic importance, making them a silent accomplice to the comedy. The Announcer never questions what they are reporting… They simply report it with passion, authority, and flair. On stage, they should feel energetic, precise, and delightfully over-serious, turning simple moments into theatrical spectacle.